STRANGE’S LAST NIGHT’S TOP TEN LATE-NIGHT TV JOKES July 14 2011
July Strangies: Stewart 2, Leno 1, Ferguson 1
By Strange de Jim
Beep beep! Love from Strange
Thursday, July 14
(O’Brien, Handler & Kimmel in reruns)
11. David Letterman guest Tim Harmston: Friends say if I don’t have children, who’s going to take care of me when I get really old. And I say, the super-hot Swedish nurse I hire with the money I save by not having children. “But she’s not going to love you the way your own child will.” I go, “I know. That’s why it’s so expensive.”
10. Jay Leno: Catherine Becker, the Pecker Wrecker, cut off her husband’s penis and ran it through the garbage disposal. You thought your wife put you through the grinder. Today the guy updated his Facebook status to “separated.”
9. Jimmy Fallon: Ohio Congressman Bill Johnson said his Twitter account was hacked yesterday after an image of a naked man was posted on his page. When the Lord taketh a Weiner he giveth a Johnson.
8. David Letterman: In France, today is Bastille Day, the day Paul Revere rode through Paris warning the French.
7. David Letterman: This is the last Harry Potter movie. Next it becomes a disastrous Broadway musical. This movie has poltergeists, sorcerers, elves … No, wait, those are the Republican Presidential candidates.
6. Jimmy Fallon: Spain’s running of the bulls is not nearly as scary as the U.S. event, the running of Sarah Palin.
5. David Letterman: We’re starting to repay our debt to China. Last week we sent back Yao Ming. And what about his brother Wyo Ming.
4. Jon Stewart: Correspondent John Oliver on the last space shuttle: What could be more appropriate than for me to go to Florida to watch something die?
3. David Letterman: New York has legalized gay marriage, and if you brought a gift for Paul and myself, just leave it in the lobby. Utah will never approve gay marriage, but they do allow a man to marry a woman with a slight mustache.
2. Jay Leno: Jim Norton at ESPY Awards: This is Brian Wilson of the San Francisco Giants. They call him The Beard, which is also what people call my girlfriend.
1. Jon Stewart: If Social Security checks don’t go out on August 3 it’ll just be old people, and they’d just blow it on medicine and hips.
The Autobiography of Mark Twain, 2010
Page 357 – No schemes that I could contrive seemed likely to deceive. They did not even deceive ME, and when a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.
364 – The gospel left behind by Jay Gould is doing giant work in our days. Its message is “Get money. Get it quickly. Get it in abundance Get it in prodigious abundance. Get it dishonestly if you can, honestly if you must.”
365 – John D. Rockefeller is quite evidently a sincere man. Satan, twaddling sentimental sillinesses to a Sunday school, could be no burlesque upon John D. Rockefeller and his performances in his Cleveland Sunday school. When John D. is employed in that way he strikes the utmost limit of grotesqueness. He can’t be burlesqued — he is himself a burlesque. I know Mr. Rockefeller pretty well, and I am convinced that he is a sincere man.
See Related: STRANGE’S LAST NIGHT’S TOP TEN LATE-NIGHT TV JOKES ARCHIVE
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